And then, once I get a chance to take a break and become bored, I'm already being rushed off somewhere else.
Everyone asks me how I do it all. I really don't know. I just know I have to be busy to get things done. I don't tend to think, "How am I going to get it done?" I normally think, "How much can I get done?" Somehow, God blesses me with the ability to complete tasks as best I can and as efficiently as I do.
But I admire the moments when I force myself to step outside of the computer, the TV, technology in general, and move, dance, peel myself away from things that are just so trivial when you really think about it. That's what makes me feel like I'm alive, and alive for reasons of my own. It's my chance to be selfish.
This trip, this adventure into the unknown called Japan, is my selfish trip out of America into somewhere that's, well, I don't know. It's just another place. I can travel their by books, like Shizuka's Daughter, but I can't set my feet down on the earth in that land.
Between the calls, money issues, studying Japanese, and bouts of boredom and business, today, I read a chapter from Three Cups of Tea. It's a book that I have wanted to read since someone from KPBS told me about it. They gave it to me for free for a short commercial, and now, I'm hooked. I read one chapter today. I took myself out of the Japanese, the dollar-signs, and the multiples of problems upon problems to read it. I turned off the TV, the computer, and sat on the stoop that served as a miniature porch and read. It calmed nerves that I didn't notice were tense from the rampant blows of my life.Finally, when the chapter ended, I went inside and returned to reality. It seems rather comical at how I switch modes completely.
Yesterday, I was ready for the Union Tribune, the photo shoot for the paper, and the multiple questions and listening ears of the City Commissioners. I was nervous beyond reasoning, just to give one presentation, as usual, and once it was over, it was almost as though a weight had been lifted.
I dread presentations. I used to have an anxiety disorder, and finally, after high school, I broke through it. My speech is always too fast, in spite of my mind telling my body to calm down. I tend to move my hands to calm nerves, and it helps, but I still feel my heart beat in my ears and the heat in my body become intolerable. I only believe that I am a good speaker and move on with that. If I get stoned for bad speaking skills, then so be it, I tried.
I think that the presentation was childish, in my opinion. We selected pictures from the photos all of us took and made a DVD slide show out of it. We spoke over the pictures, but because we didn't bother practicing with the slide show, of course, the slide show was off from our adlib. We talked about 5 categories: food, culture, shopping, recreation, and education in the City. Why was I the only one who didn't read off of anything? I felt that the essays everyone else wrote--minus one of the two males of the delegation--were too long winded and too fancy. Well, that's what you expect when it's 3 recent high school graduates versus a college senior. I took a backseat to leading the presentation off, but now, I'm going to have to take some more leadership on this.
I do consider myself a leader, not because I know how to lead, because I really doubt that ability, but I know how to follow. I would hope to believe that I am a servant leader, and I am adamant in teaching others to believe in themselves. I mean, it's the only way you'll really figure yourself out, once you realize that you need to love yourself before you can love/lead others.
Of course, these are just my opinions. I only wish to enjoy the life God has given to me. I hope that everything will turn out all right.
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